(THEME SONG PLAYING)
Cory, are we going to do this?
We're going to do this.
If we're going to do this, we have to do it. It doesn't just happen.
Leave me alone. We have to pick out invitations.
I have to start looking for dresses. But...
We need to pick out rings, a caterer, a florist,
a band, a photographer, a cake.
But. But-but-but what?
But we haven't even set a date yet.
We don't set the date.
Any banquet hall worth having your wedding in books up two years in advance.
We pick the hall, the hall picks the date.
I'm so tired.
Hall. We have to pick out a hall.
Are you helping or not?
Just let me sleep for half an hour. I promise.
We've been hanging out with each other for a long time now.
Yeah. So, what's the problem?
The problem is, I'm not getting any younger, okay?
What?
I'm the oldest kid at St. Mary's.
I don't even fit in my bed anymore.
Well, what do you want me to do, Tommy?
Are you going to adopt me, or not?
What?
You said we were the best team since Scooby-Doo and Shaggy.
Oh, well, we are, buddy. But they're not going to let me adopt you.
I mean, they're just not. They're going to tell me it's impossible.
Scooby didn't think it was impossible when Shaggy fell into the well.
You know what he did?
Tommy, this isn't a cartoon.
He saved him. He saved him because he loved him.
You know I love you, Tommy.
Then why won't you save me?
Topanga, listen. I gotta tell you,
I feel very uncomfortable being at a wedding that we weren't invited to.
Cory, it goes on all the time.
Mr. Beckman, the wedding planner,
said that as long as we keep a low profile, everything will be okay.
These things are delicious.
You know, you guys should get married here.
Our wedding will never be this beautiful.
And why not?
Because we'll never be able to afford a wedding like this.
(LAUGHS) Wait a minute, your dad's not rich?
No.
(SCOFFS) Bye.
Let me make you understand this from a personal standpoint.
My daughter likes nice things.
How are you going to give her nice things
with that thing you call a salary?
Well, that depends on how you define "nice things," Stan.
I love Jessie, that's a nice thing.
We're going to be together for the rest of our lives.
That's a nice thing, too.
You're upsetting me.
Jessie drives a Jag convertible.
How do you plan to keep her in a Jag convertible
if you don't come into my company?
I keep telling you, Stan, I'm not coming into your company.
When I tell you what's right for your life,
why don't you listen to me?
I'm happy where I am.
Teaching kindergarten?
Ooh, you know, listen, I would like to stay and talk to you, Stan,
but I've got to go marry your daughter now.
Don't you walk away from me.
No respect. This guy won't listen to me.
How could my daughter fall for somebody who won't listen to me?
Mr. Beckman said I could stand here.
In one hour, my daughter's gonna be married to a teacher of kindergarten.
You know, my kindergarten teacher was Mr. Feeny.
As a matter of fact, he has been my teacher every year of my entire life.
Isn't that curious?
You a friend of my daughter or the loser?
Uh, neither one, sir.
"Sir"? You called me sir. That's a term of respect. I like that.
You know what he calls me?
Stan, like it says on the side of my trucks.
(GASPS)
You're Stan, Stan, the Plumber Man?
If I can't flush it...
No one can!
I like you, kid.
I like you, too, Stan, Stan.
You would listen to me when I'd talk to you, wouldn't you, kid?
Oh, yeah. I believe a lot of my generation would be much better off
listening to their elders,
instead of wearing those fancy-schmancy backward hats
and having those bolts through their heads.
That's a beautiful sentiment, kid. Let me ask you something.
Anything, sir.
Who are you? What the hell are you doing at my wedding?
My name's Cory Matthews.
I'm here with my lovely fiancee, Topanga. Isn't she lovely?
They're all lovely with the lights off.
I wouldn't know, sir.
You're a virgin?
I'm cursed, sir.
You're it, kid. I'm it for what?
I choose you. Choose me for what?
You're the type of nice kid I always saw with my Jessie.
But isn't she marrying the kindergarten teacher?
No. No. No?
But doesn't she love him?
I don't love him. I love you.
And so will she if I tell her to.
Me? But why me?
Because you're a nice, polite kid who listens to me and respects me
like the son I deserve.
I'll give you a million dollars to marry my daughter.
A million? That's just crazy!
Negotiation? We're in negotiation?
(LAUGHS) What a kid!
You just keep getting better and better.
1.2 million.
That's very nice of you, Stan, but I have a girl over there on the side.
Hey, who doesn't? Come on.
You've got 20 minutes to break this up.
What are you, crazy? Honey.
No, even for him this is nuts.
He can't even take care of himself.
You know something? I resent that. I resent the heck out of that.
I'm a grown man.
I am fully capable of taking responsibility for another human life.
Your fly is open.
I know!
Now, look, I demand you take me seriously, all right?
I love Tommy and he loves me.
Now what?
(EXCLAIMS)
Listen to me, okay?
Tommy wants me to adopt him.
I didn't come here for your permission.
I came here for encouragement.
I guess I came to the wrong place.
Eric, you would make a great parent to Tommy someday,
but not now.
Why not now?
Because you don't have a job, because you don't have a home.
You sleep on our couch.
You think I like sleeping on your couch?
You know why I sleep here? It's 'cause I've got nowhere else to go.
I lost my best friend to the girl of my dreams,
I lost my brother to the girl of his dreams,
I lost Feeny to the dean,
and I lost you guys to the new baby.
Oh, that is just so silly.
Look at this, it's true.
Everybody I know has somebody that they want to dedicate their life to.
Now that I finally have that, you're trying to discourage me.
Eric, even if we agreed to this, they won't let you adopt him.
You can't support him, you can't give him a home.
You are a great big brother. Be that.
That's what he needs from you.
No, you know what Tommy needs? Tommy needs me. That's what he needs.
And I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure that he's got me.
'Cause that's what's best for him, that's what's best for me.
Now I'm going to go call St. Mary's
and have them put Tommy on hold or, you know, layaway or whatever.
Why are our children so crazy?
Please don't be crazy, please be normal.
They may be crazy, but they have good hearts.
Have a good heart, like your brother.
Oh, Alan, you're saying you're going along with this?
The kid just pulled his shirt out of his fly.
No one else could do that.
Some other people want to adopt Tommy.
Why didn't you tell me?
'Cause I'm not going with them.
I don't think you have that choice, Tom. I, um...
Does he?
Actually, he does. We would never place a child
with a family he didn't want to be with.
Especially when there's an emotional conflict.
What's the emotional conflict?
You are.
Oh, boy.
I told them I wouldn't go with anybody else.
Oh.
Look, Tom, if these people are good enough to adopt you,
then I'm sure they're going to be good enough
to let me keep being your big brother.
We'll just tell them that I come along as part of the deal.
That's not going to work.
Why? Oh, I know why.
'Cause you're afraid after they meet me,
they're going to like me better than you.
That's pretty selfish, Thomas.
They live in California.
They live in California?
Yeah, they do.
I don't want them to live in California.
There's nothing I can do about that.
You know, maybe there's something I can do.
I would like to adopt Tommy, please.
Eric, maybe we should discuss this in my office.
I want Eric! I pick Eric!
Hey, kids, I'm getting adopted!
I'm getting adopted. Yes!
This is, like, the happiest day of my life.
(LAUGHING)
Take the money.
But I love Topanga.
We all do. Take the money.
Shawn, money can't buy me...
Well, let's see if it can.
Take the money.
No, I'm not taking the money, okay?
I love Topanga more than the money.
Topanga is my life.
Cory, you're not supposed to be just standing around.
You're supposed to be doing research. I know.
I was gonna. "I was gonna."
Do you know what that means, Angela?
Yep. You're going to do everything by yourself.
Ugh. Cory, I don't ask much of you.
And you, you're his best friend. You're supposed to help him. Help him.
Cory, I can't do this all by myself.
Now, I want you guys to be taking notes during the wedding
so we can decide what we want and do not want for our own wedding.
Are you guys listening to me?
Well, fine. If you're not taking the money, I am.
What's he talking about?
Money. We were talking about money.
We don't have any. I know.
Cory, I wish our wedding could be this beautiful.
Don't you ever wonder what it'd be like
to have all the money in the world and you could just do whatever you wanted?
No! Never. Where do you get these meshugge ideas?
How ya doing?
Do I know you?
No, but you want to know me. You know why?
'Cause rumor has it you're unhappy with your daughter's choice of life mate.
Cut to the chase, Spanky.
From the moment that I laid my eyes
upon your beautiful daughter's face,
I knew that she was making the biggest mistake of her life
because she wasn't marrying me.
Really? You want to marry my daughter?
No, no. Not want to, must.
Must marry her, must work for you.
You know why? Because you're a winner, and I'm a winner.
And we winners need to stick together and marry each other's daughters.
I'll go first.
You know, it's interesting.
I was just talking to that curly-headed kid who's happy with his girlfriend...
Ugh, mustard.
Stop!
And I looked at that kid and I listened to that kid
and I knew he was worth a million dollars.
Irony of ironies, you come along,
and I'm prepared to make you the following offer.
Well, I'll be honest with you,
'cause I got a number in my head,
and I know what I'm worth...
I'll give you 20 bucks to get the hell away from me.
Okay.
Boy, you sure like to get a lot of information
before you let somebody take a kid, huh?
Well, normally we just pull names out of a hat.
But we really like Tommy.
This is the background on the other couple interested in him.
You're allowed to show me that?
No, I'm not. But in this case,
you being the big brother and wanting what's best for Tommy,
I think it'll be okay.
Tommy's been here a long time,
and we really care about him as much as you do.
We wouldn't place him with just anybody.
I know, but, I mean, come on, why do they have to live in California?
They used to live here in Philadelphia.
That's when they adopted their first child from us.
A little girl three years ago, Sara.
Well, I mean, they can keep Sara. I don't have a problem with that.
(LAUGHS)
We used to get lots of letters from Sara
telling us how happy she was.
Then we got fewer letters, and then they stopped coming.
'Cause she wasn't happy anymore.
'Cause we weren't her family anymore, they are.
As much as it hurts, we love it when the letters stop.
Here's a note from her mother.
"Dear Mrs. Gallagher, here is Sara's third-grade picture.
"As you can see, she's growing into a beautiful young lady,
"and we never realized it was possible to love someone so much.
"The one thing that could make our family more complete
"would be a brother for Sara and a son for us.
"We can't stop thinking about Tommy and how happy we would all be together.
"Thank you so much for considering us."
I love Tommy, too.
I know.
Now you just have to decide how much.
Look, Dad, I packed all my stuff.
I'm all ready to go.
Isn't it cool the way I call you Dad?
Yeah, Tommy. It's way cool.
Let's get out of here.
Let's go. Come on.
What?
I can't be your dad, Tommy.
Why not?
Come here.
(GRUNTS)
These people in California, they sound really
nice.
But I want to be here with you.
You're going to have a mom and a dad
and a house with a big pool and a big sister
and a dog named Waldo.
I don't need a dog. I have you.
Eric, I'm never going with anybody except you.
I'm not going to adopt you, Tommy.
Why not?
Because I'm not.
Yes, you are.
Tommy.
I'm not going to adopt you.
I don't like you anymore.
I'm sorry to hear that, Tom.
And now I'm going to California to be with people who care about me.
Good for you, Tommy.
Good for you, man.
Good for you.
Do you realize what you could do with a million dollars?
Why does that man keep talking to Cory?
It makes you mad, doesn't it?
You should break up with him.
I think the first thing I would do
would be to buy a Volvo.
He's buying a Volvo.
He's keeping my little girl safe
with the steel cage and the side air bags.
Give your old man a hug.
Okay, but I got to tell you, Stan.
I am not interested in your money or your daughter.
(EXCLAIMS)
Daddy, aren't you going to walk me down the aisle?
I was just finishing up a business discussion with my friend Cory.
Hi, Cory. Thank you for coming to my wedding.
(BRIDAL CHORUS PLAYING)
Come on, Dad. It's now or never.
Think carefully, kid.
You'll never get this kind of chance as long as you live.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here
to join Jessica and Edward in holy matrimony.
This whole thing is so out of our league.
They'll probably get in some private jet and honeymoon in Tahiti.
In some private romantic villa on some nude beach.
(EXCLAIMS)
You just saw the bride?
Ooh, yeah.
Can you imagine the kind of honeymoon they're going to have?
Yeah. Could you just imagine?
No.
MINISTER: If there is anyone here present
who might give just cause as to why these two
should not be joined in holy matrimony,
speak now or forever hold your peace.
What are you doing?
Spasm.
(GRUNTING)
Young man, do you have something you'd like to say?
Yes, yes, you do.
Say something, kid.
What are you doing?
Do you mind? I'm talking to my son-in-law.
Go ahead. Okay, we're going to do this now, all right?
Okay. Okay. We're going to do it.
We're going to get up. We're getting up.
Attaboy. Attaboy. Good, you're up. You're up.
Go to it. All right.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
Hi. I don't know any of you,
but, um, I guess I should say something very important here.
All right. Everybody listen to this. This is important.
Listen up, honey.
Um, this is the greatest place to get married that I've ever seen,
and I would give anything to be able to get married in a place like this.
But I can't, so it doesn't matter.
Cory, will you please tell me what's going on?
What's going on is that when you love somebody, nothing else matters.
Not the money, not where you get married, nothing like that.
All that matters is who you're standing next to.
And the only person I want to stand next to is you.
So, Jessie, Eddie,
I wish you two what we have:
true love that you can always count on.
Let's go. This is their day.
We'll have our day.
Two million!
Eric, you did the right thing.
There's nothing to think about.
Yeah, he's in the best possible place that he can be.
When he gets older, he'll realize what you've done for him.
He hates me.
(LAUGHS)
He's a kid. Kids are resilient.
You must have hated me a billion times when you were a kid.
Yeah, you never tried to get rid of me.
(SHUSHING)
Ha, very funny.
Thanks for trying to cheer me up, guys,
but I think I need to be alone.
I'm very mad at you.
I know.
But I didn't want to leave without saying goodbye.
Hey.
What's your problem?
You. Her. This.
You had your chance.
Yeah, you're right.
Can I at least have the grapes?
Knock your socks off.
They're already off.